Reflections of Light
by scaryblondeconartist
Summary: Roxas feels like he is loosing himself in a world of money and a family that doesn't seem to speak. His brother is lost in time, trying to forget everything. But when a chance for a new beginning comes, will he take it? AkuRoku. Some noncon later
1. Sleep Tonight

Kenzie: This is a private project that i am doing in reaction to all of the Suicides of Gay teens, and, in specific, a very close friend of mine who is having his own struggles right now.

* * *

It is hard, living like this. Not knowing what is to become of you. The strain that your body takes each and every day to get up in the morning. The hurt that you feel when the people look at you like you are so different from them. No, I will not stand for that!

My name is Roxas.

I am 16.

My name is Roxas

And I don't want to remember..

I look down from my bed to the boy sleeping on the bunk below me. Sora…my brother, the child that everyone thinks is perfect, not to say, that they don't think I am perfect as well. But, when we look at each other, we can tell. We can see that the other is hurting. That is just the way that twins work. I slowly climb down the ladder being carful not to wake the brunette boy on the lower bunk. I look around the unfamiliar room…our new bedroom in our new home…the home that was far from homey. I search through the box that is labeled with my name…Roxas. Is that really my name, or is it just Sora with an X or is Sora just Roxas without an X? We will never be told… I pull out a small necklace with a black jewel in the center. You can tell that it is old, for it has scratches and some amount of rust on it. As I tiptoe across the hall to the bathroom, I am thinking about that to do once I get in there. Do I shower as planned, or do I dare open the locket; the locket that hides the truth in it. I close the door, my decision made to open the locket. I look inside and am immediately overcome with grief. There are three things the first I take out it a letter. I look over it carefully. It says:

Roxas,

We love you dearly with all our hearts, so it pains us to say that we must leave. I know that we promised never to leave, but we must. We have seen you grow up to be so strong, so gifted, we know that your parents would have been proud, had they taken the time to notice. We know it is hard sometimes, so we give you this necklace as a way to keep you going. We know deep inside, you know that this is not worth it, but we will not tell you that it is not allowed. We love you.

Keep dreaming,

V. and C.

I put the letter down sadly, remembering the day that they left. Then I begin to take out the next item, a small, blue cross. A memory of my failed childhood, the one that I forgot about long ago. The last thing that I take out it a Razor. Cold and chilling as stone, a comfort in the early mornings. I look at the blade, clean and dry. I take in a breath as I bring down onto my arm. I look at what is already there: Y-O-U-A-R-E-A-N-O-B-O-D. That was it, the truth. The reminder of what I really am. It was strange though. Every time I added a letter, it never hurt as much as what I expected it to anymore. I carefully cut another letter into my arm, the one that would complete the phrase: Y. I looked at the completed artwork. The blood that pooled above my skin was no different that everyone else's, no different from my brothers, no different from the people that had criticized me so long ago. I rinse it off in the sink and put it back inside the locket, along with the letter and cross and put them into my pocket. The cut on my arm has stopped bleeding by now as I wash the blood off with a towel, dying it a light pink color. Again, I fold up the towel and put it back in the cupboard that I got it from, for either me or my brother to use later. I can feel myself walking out of the bathroom, although I do not feel that I am the one controlling this action, as though someone else is controlling my actions. I open the door to the bedroom that my brother and I share, only to be attacked by the pouncing mess of brown hair that I had mentioned previously, breaking me from my early morning trance.

"ROOXY! You are already up!" my brother said happily. He was always such an optimist around others…maybe that was why he got away with the goody-two-shoes thing better than me. Maybe if we were more like each other, we would not have had to move so suddenly.

"Sora, please…Mom and dad are probably still sleeping…we should not wake them." I said. I noticed Sora take in a sudden breath, holding it in and tensing up.

"You are probably right…Well, are you ready to go?"

The first day at a new school never feels normal…ever. No matter how many times you have switched schools, no matter if you are rich, handsome, and single, you will never feel good about it. So as me and my brother stepped out of our Peugeot 207 CC, we immediately put on the face. By now you probably know what I we mean when we say 'the face.' It is the face that we use to trick everyone into thinking that we are a happy family. Our parents use it to, especially at company dinners. You see, our family bought the Converse Company from Nike, so therefore, we are loaded. But because we have the public's attention, we must appear to be a happy, normal family. This is the reason that we moved here, to Twilight town, from Destiny Islands… Because people started getting suspicious of the fact that me and my brother are always so wary around other people.

People watched us as we walked up to the tall, brick building with the words "G_AY _ULBRETH _IDDLE _OOL above it. I am yet to figure out why people always look at the new kids. Is it because they want to be friends or is it because they want to know all of our dirty little secrets?

Enough with my depressing rants. We were at school and had to make a good first impression. I stood close to my brother, perhaps too close for a brother to stand. As we walked through the halls, all their eyes on us, we just smiled, smiled and wore the fake mask over our already pierced skin. Skin pierced by their prying eyes. The classroom that we walked into was littered with maps and globes about, leading me to believe that it was the History room. The teacher pulled us up to the front of the room and told us to introduce ourselves, but I don't hear her, all I know is the routine. Sora looks to the room and smiles. That is his role, the happy brother that always does everything perfectly and is the football star with the super hot girlfriend, never a boyfriend, even though we both know that is the gender he would prefer.

"Hey guys! My name is Sora! My favorite class is Gym, my favorite flavor of ice cream is Birthday Cake, and the shampoo I use is Herbal essences, orange." He finished with an accent on the orange. He nudged me with his elbow signaling that it was my turn. I smirk first, because that is my role. The studious boy on the baseball team that has perfect grades and the super smart, lacrosse playing, student president, girlfriend that everyone adores and thinks is the cutest couple ever. But again, we know that I would rather have it like my brother, with one of the same gender. I suppose twins think alike.

"Sup, my name is Roxas, and I am Sora's much hotter brother." I pause for the girls to stop giggling. "My favorite class is…English, my favorite flavor of ice cream is Coffee and I use Herbal Essences, Green." I finished and the watched as several girls ogled us and several others whispered quietly between themselves, squealing every few seconds. As I take my seat next to a boy whose face is deeply hidden in his arms, I can't help but wonder; was it always like this? Did girls always throw themselves at our feet and ask to be with us? Or were things once different? Were we ever normal? I know the answer to the last one: Yes. But things were never going to be normal again. I look up to the board and begin to copy down the lesson intently. Suddenly, I feel a tap on my arm coming from my right side. I look up and come face to face with the sleeping boy from earlier.

"Whhhhat are we doooing?" He whispers animatedly. I role my eyes at this buffoon and turn back to my work. A moment later he taps my arm again. "Pllleease?" He begs.

"Ya, Roxy. Aren't you going to help out my friend?" Someone says from behind me.

"I don't even know him so why should he be my problem" I say to the unnamed and unseen boy behind me.

"Simple." He says. "Cause Namine says that you will be friends soon and then he would have something to hold against you." His voice is so calm, so sure when he says this. It irks me.

"Oh...Namine said? Well then it must be true! So, hello…Roxas! I am Demyx!" I shake my head. Really, these Neanderthals can't expect me to believe that just because some girl says something I should believe it.

"Seriously, what do you want; Money, shoes, your name on an invite list to a party? Name it, you can have it." I say. This was a typical thing to happen. Every time we switched schools there would be someone who was after something. The boy behind me that I am yet to place a name and face to laughs.

"What are you talking about? Why would we want money from you?" the smooth voice says, curiously. I furrow my eye brows and take my phone out of my pocket.

_I don't think that they know…_

I put it into my lap as I wait for my brother to reply. A moment passes and my phone vibrates.

_Same here! I guess we should tell them._

_No! Lets see how far we can get with this…_

I put my phone away and turn to the boy next to me. "Sure, why not." I say, shoving my papers in the blonde's direction. "How about I meet you for lunch; we can go out, my treat." As the words leave my lips the bell rings and I begin to gather my books into my bag. I hear the boy behind me stand and push his chair in so I turn to look at him, to receive my answer for the lunch invitation.

When I see him, I realize a very important fact about this boy; he is huge! As in tall, cause he is in no way fat. And his hair; red like fire! He was the type of boy that would be mine if I were not…well, lets admit it, a coward.

"Sure… Roxy." That was all that he said before walking gracefully away, the annoying kid that can't seem to pay attention following him. I stood in the classroom watching as they left for their next class. I felt a warm arm wrap itself around my shoulders.

"*sigh* too bad we are Malina's, cause that is one hot ass dude." I slapped my brother playfully.

"Ya or just a plain ass! And anyways, forget it. We just got to this school; we can't be screwing things up on the first day."

* * *

We were sitting at a table in a small ice cream shop down the street from our school called Orange Leaf. There were four of us: Axel, my brother, the stupid blonde boy, and myself. We each had a cone of ice cream in our hands as we sat in awkward silence.

"So…" The blonde boy said in an attempt to make conversation. "You guys play any sports?" I laughed and shook my blonde hair lightly, in a very flirtatious way. Hell, if I played sports…by choice.

"Kind of, it depends on what you mean by play. What about you?" I say in response. I only say this because I want to know the story behind them before they find out anything about me and my brother. I hear a soft chiming laugh that I believe belongs to the red head boy.

"Demyx doesn't do sports…he is the drum major…you know…marching band." I widen my eyes. I would have never guessed by the lazy appearance of this boy that he could actually do work.

"Hard to believe it, I know. It takes soo much out of me. BUT! I take pride in it, I mean, I am the first Junior to be drum major, like in HISTORY!" The boy, Demyx, says. I look to my brother sitting beside me, realizing for the first time that he hasn't said anything. Of course he hasn't said anything. The only reason he ever talks is to impress people with his superior energy and flirtatiousness.

"Of course, I myself play football, quarterback." Axel says. I can see my brother smirk beneath his hung head. He lifts himself up and looks the red head in his bright green eyes.

"Well, looks like you have some competition this year." He says, mysteriously, as if giving a challenge.

"Well…." The red head whispers, rubbing the back of his neck. "I was actually going to try out for the school production this year…although it is always more of a musical than anything…" I sputter and laugh as I take a sip of my drink.

"WH-what? You dance? I'm sorry, but that is hilarious!"

"Come on Roxas, don't be so hypocritical. You used to dance." My brother says. It is not until now that I remembered that aspect of my life. I had tried so hard to suppress those long gone memories of my childhood. I look at my brother, despair written all over my face. He brings his hand up to his mouth in sympathy.

"Oh…I'm so sorry! I forgot!"

"No it is fine…in fact. Maybe…I could try out…" I say, knowing full well what I was saying. This wasn't like me. A month ago I would have laughed at the idea of myself dancing again. I would have said that it was against everything that father had raised us to be. "Anyways, what is the worst that could happen? Father and Mother could find out, but what can they do?" I hear myself saying these words, but I don't believe that they are coming out of my mouth. I was normally so afraid of my past life being exposed, why is it that I was now so willing to throw away everything that I had worked so hard to create?

"Roxas, please… I mean, how would you hide it from father anyways? You know how upset he would be if he found out!"

I can feel the ideas slipping in and out of my head like snakes, working my brain until I find a solution. Though these snakes are a lot more like the snake in the story of Adam and Eve; planting false hope into my head with sneaky tactics. This made me think that maybe, this boy sitting across from me was the snake.

"Well…" Axel says, placing a thumb beneath his chin. "You could always say that you are trying out for football. Then once they post the list, you can just say that you made it. And instead of going to the practice, you can come to rehearsal." He offers.

I don't know what to say to this. You can't just some out and say that you can't try out for football because it is not in the script, can you? It is just not normal. So what do I say instead? Do I tell him that I will figure something else out, because I don't think that I could hide something like that for long.

"Roxas, you could always tell him that you are going to be at church. I am sure that he would believe you and he would not take harshly to the idea." My brother offers up. I know though, that I am being silly to think that anything would work for long. I take this answer though.

"That may work. And this brings me to the next question; what the hell is this play about?" I say in my smart alecky tone. Axel smirks that same smirk as before and I can feel something in side me melt to pieces and in an instant, I can tell that he is loosening the grip that my father has on my heart. And the strange thing is…that I was letting it happen.

"You know that Broadway musical that went on forever…Cats? Well…let's just say that we like a good classic." My mouth stood agape at him. Was he serious?

"But…I can't sing. I mean, I can, but it is not nearly as good as it could be...But I'm a great dancer!" The red head boy laughs, but I am not quite sure what I have said.

"Then I can almost guarantee you that you are going to get the part of that really gay black and white guy that runs around with a sparkly rainbow scarf for half of it and then starts rubbing his face all over the old dude. But… that is only me, and I have no authority over what part you get and weather or not you want to sing." He finishes laughing. I look at him and give the best pouting glare that I can conjure up at the moment. "Oh, don't give me that look; it just doesn't fit your bubbly personality." The red head says, adding extra sarcasm on the 'bubbly'. I shake my head and stand up from my stool.

"We should get going, don't want to be late for 5th block." I say and walk out the front door, a bell chiming behind me. I look back for the others to see my brother looking at me with concern, Demyx…well nothing really, and Axel with something that looked a whole like lot like happiness.

* * *

I sit at the dinner table with my family, holding one another's hands in a circle, saying grace. I tilt my head up a little bit and open my eyes to meet my mothers. There is sadness in them. I see it, although I don't think that anyone else does. No, I know that no one else does. Sora is too naïve to care, no one else could suspect that it was there in the first place and father is too busy with his fist to notice her pleads from inside.

Is it bad that I don't do anything? Is it bad that I don't tell someone? No, because it is called self preservation. I know that if father told me otherwise, then I would, but as long as I have the knife held to my throat by my dear father, I tell no one.

We eat our dinner in silence, no one say anything to the person beside them nor does the person beside them say anything to them. But I am used to this. I'm not as stupid as my brother likes people to believe that he is. I know that my mother and father's marriage is not what it used to be and I know that my dad did something to my brother that he won't tell anyone, not even me. And lastly, I know that he threatens to kill me almost everyday.

I don't really know why he does it. He says that God tells him to, but how am I supposed to believe that? Ya, I know…A catholic kid that does not think that God influences people. Well, I might have believed you up until a year ago, and frankly, I don't know anyone that would believe you if you told them that my father was a chosen one.

So that is my fathers problem, he is addicted to God. Ya, I don't get it either. But if God is telling him to kill me if I step out of line, I am happy to let him believe that I do. My mother, on the other hand, has got everything going for, except my father that is. She is beautiful, with long blonde hair in a braid down her back and bright blue eyes and tan skin. I have no idea why she married my father in the first place.

I put my dishes in the sink to be washed by our house keeper and trudge up the stairs to my room where I see my brother looking at I pile of rumpled up, foul smelling clothes on the floor that he is yet to touch in nearly a year now.

"You gonna tell me tonight?" I ask him. He keeps staring at the clothes and shakes his head. "Fine, not like I expected you to anyways. It's not like I don't know anyways…" I say back. I don't get a response this time, instead I head him clap and the lights go out.

I lay in my bed thinking about that dirty pile of clothes. Father had done the same thing to me a little over a year back, a month or so before my brother. He had called it 'the reason I should date girls'. He had said that it was not Gods way; that we could not stray from the path that he had sent us on.

That was the first time that we had to move because of father. The teacher had seen me crying the next day at school and had smelt me. Guess she recognized that something was wrong.

I turn onto my side and close my eyes, waiting for my beloved sleep to arrive.

Roxas is a son.

Roxas is Sora with an X.

Roxas is a sex thing.

My name is Roxas.

I am 16.

God help me.

* * *

I really hopw that you liked the first chapter of my new story and really hope that you review!


	2. In Our Bedroom After the War

When you listen to MIKA while writing anything, it is sure to turn out spazzy and random. Note the odd mentioning of fruit half way through...

* * *

Roxas sat up in his bed and rubbed his weary eyes as they adjusted to the morning sun. It was Tuesday, and he doubted today was going to be any different from Monday. He looked around to see the same old furniture that didn't match the disgustingly bland white walls. As he quietly climbed down the ladder he noticed something that was different. Sora was not lying on the floor next to his bed like he usually was at this hour. He was, in fact, lying in his bed, below the covers with his arms sprawled beside him. Another thing was different though. The pile of clothes that was once lying in a heap in the floor was gone. Roxas smiled a happy smile and moved to sit at the foot of the bottom bunk. The blonde boy pulled back the covers, barley exposing his brother's feet. He reached out a small, pale hand and run just the finger tips across the bottom of his feet. In return, Sora kicked his feet up and out as he came to an abrupt wake, kicking his twin brother in the face.

"GAH!" Roxas screamed as he fell backwards, holding his nose in pain. "What was that for?" Roxas lay on his side, still holding his nose, and rocked gently back and forth. The brunette boy that had kicked said brother's nose sat up and looked at the blonde with a look of repulsion on his face.

"Were you...tickling my feet!" He asked, still somewhat unsure what it was that had awakened his from his first deep slumber in a long time.

"Meeeh-Beeeeh..." Roxas said, guilt written all over his words. He sat up in a very sudden motion and looked at his brother, who still seemed a little angry with him for disturbing his rest. He smiled. "I noticed when I woke up...You moved them." Sora frowned at his brother.

"I don't know what you are talking about..." He walked over to his dresser on the other side of the bedroom that the two boys shared and opened one of his drawers pulling out a white v-neck shirt and a pair of black cargo shorts. Roxas moved his body so that he was facing the brunette.

"What do you MEAN you don't know what I am talking about? Is there not a gnarly smelling pile of clothes missing from the floor? If you didn't notice that, you could have at least noticed that it doesn't smell like shit in here anymore!" Roxas was angry and confused at his brothers actions. Sora turned after he finished putting his day clothes on.

"Roxas, listen. I really don't wanna have this conversation with you."

"Seriously! Seriously, there is no way of avoiding it! Just get over yourself and accept the fact that he-"

"Roxas! SHUT UP!" Sora looked down at his feet and crossed his toes between the other. He ran a hand through his unbrushed hair and sighed. Roxas watched his body language and knew that he was feeling guilty about yelling at him.

"Roxas...I'm...I'm just not as strong as you. You, you could deal with the memories, but I just can't. It is easier for me if I just forget about it completely." Sora grabbed his shoes that were left sitting by the door and looked at his brother, who was sitting on the bed, looking as if he might cry at any moment. "Hurry up, or I'm not giving you a ride."

Roxas sat in the same seat as the day before, in the same boring class, in front of the same cocky red head and next to the same annoying blonde boy. He sighed as he realized that he would be doing this for the next 179 days, or until he went crazy enough to drop out. He didn't hear a word that the teacher said for just about the whole class, just something about hippies tripping on acid or something. (A/N: John the Quaker...) All he could think about was his brother, and how much he must have been suffering through his own head for the past months before school has started. Was he really that much stronger than his bother? No, he doubted his brother even knew how weak he really was. As he thought this, he found himself running his fingers along then words that he had carved so delicately into his arms. No, I am much weaker, he thought. When the bell rang it took him a minute before it registered in his head. He felt a cold, long fingered hand rest itself on his shoulder and turned to see Axel, a messenger bag slung over his shoulder and that cocky grin plastered on his too pale skin.

"Come on, I wanna show you something." He said, grabbing the blonde boys hand and dragging him through the halls and out the front door of the school.

Roxas leaned against a large tree in the middle of what looked kind of like a giant crater out the back of the school and found him self feeling comfort in the soft breeze that blew through his too long hair. He looked to his left and saw Axel, not leaning against the tree, but leaning comfortably into his knees.

"It's really nice back here...Really quiet." He whispered, not sure if he wanted to disturb the comfortable silence or not. Axel nodded and looked back into the distance where the school supposedly was, but you could not see it; the walls of the hole were in the way.

"Ya, no one here to tell you that you are crazy...tell you who you are is wrong." There was an air to his voice; as if he was suggesting he was in some way disliked by people.

"But Axel! Why wouldn't people like you? You are the quarterback and you are a junior! You are really nice, and you have good grades, and you-

"Trust me; there are a lot of people that want me to disappear...a lot." Roxas looked at the too tall red head boy and noticed a look of sadness in his face. A look of rejection that he had never dreamed the boy would know. "They hate me...because I'm gay. No other reason. Just that. Something so simple went and ruined my life for me." Tears brimmed at the edge of his eyes, but he forced them back, not wanting to appear weak. Roxas took a deep breath in  
'Why did that make me...think. For just a minute.' He thought to himself. The small blonde turned his head abruptly forward, trying to ward off indecent thoughts; his eyes were wide with anticipation and will.  
"You probably want me to disappear now too...don't you?"  
"NO NO! Of course not." Roxas was a bit taken aback by this comment, but instead of retorting with a ridiculous excuse, he laid his whole body down on the ground. "Hey...Axel?" He said, questioning his own words. Said boy made a grunting sound, making it known that he was responding. "Um...What if I were to tell you that my dad is like...really homophobic. And what I am about to say is completely hypothetical and in no way related to me in any way..." His heart was pounding and there was a deep fear for the coming words.  
"So, to put it simply, if my dad were to possibly suspect that I was a...homosexual, he would probably go to just about any means to make sure that was not true. Now, if I were to tell him that I was gay, he would probably say something along the lines of 'who you? No you are not!' and then probably push me out the nearest window. But! If he were to find out from SOMEONE ELSE that I was gay, then he would almost definitely hunt me down and shoot me with his riffle. Understand where this is going...?"  
"No..." Axel said the second Roxas finished his sentence. "But...I am sure of two things that I was not before. One is that your dad is REALLY violent. Two...is that I don't think that statement was hypothetical...at all. So in other words, Roxas, I am asking you if you are gay." Axel said bluntly. Too bluntly. Roxas was flabber ghasted. Being convincing obviously was not one of the things he was good at. He laughed in an intimidated manner.

"Who me? Noooo I'm noooot..." Axel looked at him with a look that said that he wasn't buying shit. He rolled his eyes when the blonde still refused to admit what he already knew.

"Roxas... You are a horrible liar. I don't know many guys that use herbal essences, that and I know you have been checking me-

"FINE! You are right! I am gay! Totally, one hundred percent fruity! I mean, I'm not even a tomato! It isn't up for debate! I'm...I'm like a...an orange!" Axel broke out in hysterics as Roxas buried his face deep in his hands. After all, it was hard not to laugh at a comparison like that. Of course, he was not saying it was a lie. He might as well be walking around with a sign that said 'ya I'm in the closet, and even if you know I'm not gonna admit it!'.  
"Wow...I honestly don't know what to say to that..." The 2 boys sat in a somewhat awkward silence for what seemed like far longer than anyone wanted to sit in silence. In the distance they could hear the sounds of students getting up from their usual lunch spots to leave for their 5th block. Roxas stood up and grabbed the few bags that he had carried out with him before starting the trek up the side of the giant hole that they were currently sitting in. He looked back at the red head he was leaving behind.

"Just so you know..." He said. "You are the first person I have ever told." Axel watched as this amazing new blonde walked away, seemingly uninterested, but inside, he couldn't help but think of how beautiful he had looked as he let the thin, fragile woven lies escape his lips.

I was walking a long, long walk home in the freezing December cold. Why was I walking? Because my brother had to have the car to be able to drive home from football practice for fear of our Father's wrath if he was asked to pick him up. Not only this, but apparently, my bus number did not exist as an afternoon bus. It was oddly calming though, traveling by foot over a long distance. It was a good way to think about school, and family, and Sora...and Axel. Honestly, what was there to think about? He was a cocky, arrogant, overly sex driven Teenager that had no business in my life. I entered the gate to my family's neighborhood and started back as the gate closed behind me. I continued walking, feeling the wind blow trough my hair and thinking about all of the formerly mentioned things that were on my mind. Suddenly, as if it never even happened, a bright red Mustang went speeding past me. What surprised me was not necessarily the fact that whoever was driving the car was going about 90 kph in an 80 zone, but it was the fact the he stopped not 7 meters in front of me and backed their way up. As they moved back I got a cleared look at the driver; a Cocky, arrogant, overly sex driven teenager that had no business in my life. He stopped next to me and pulled down his aviators so that I could see his eyes.

"What the hell are you doing here, Bannout?" I asked him almost grudgingly. He raised his left eyebrow mockingly and I turned my head to the side, rolling my eyes and taking in a deep breath, seeing as I wished to refrain from attacking someone in my own neighborhood.

"I could be asking you the same thing, Roxy." I grimaced at the pet name. "I'm going home. As in, I live here. I also feel the need to ask the pathetic looking boy walking on the nice green grasses of the lawns if he needs a ride home. Does he?" I ignored him and kept on walking, hoping, praying that he would just give up and go on home by himself. I was sadly mistaken. He slowly drove beside me for a minute in silence until he went and opened that obscenely large mouth of his.

"You know...you can get in the car..." I looked at him and was somewhat surprised by what I saw. Axel looked hurt. Hurt by the fact that I was ignoring him and that I wasn't letting him do something that most people would consider nice. I took pity on him and hopped over the side of the car.

"570 Chestnut Bay." I said; nothing more, nothing less. As he drove what was probably 2 miles I couldn't help but let those threateningly indecent thoughts slip into my mind. It had been forever since I had really made a true friend. I had never really thought about it until the summer, but most people probably used me to get stuff and go places. To just say that they had been in our house. Axel...he didn't know about anything. He didn't know that my family had more money than anyone could ever imagine having. Even then, we hardly had a house worth the money we had. I wasn't really sure that I wanted him to know either. If he found out that we had money, would he treat me differently? More so, why was I so worried about loosing someone as douchy as Axel Bannout! It struck me at that very moment; something that would surely ruin me. We were going to my house. My 7 bedroom, 4 floor house. The only house in the neighborhood with a koi fish pond, a tree house, pool, 5 car garage and a blue port-a-potty outside of it. I was screwed unless I could come up with some overly elaborate lie to make him think it wasn't my house. And then we arrived.

I watched as Axel went from gawking to glaring daggers at it and I knew. He would hate the real me.

"That...monstrosity is your HOUSE!" He near screamed. "Dude...not one person in this neighborhood likes them! They are freaking arrogant, waving their money and shit around in our faces. I mean, sure we aren't poor, but still! They have to make what? 100,000 pounds a month to pay for all their shit!" I tried my hardest to hide the hurt that I was feeling inside. I pushed it down into my stomach until I was able to get inside. I opened the door and stepped out.

"Actually," I said, shutting the door. I turned around to smile at him shortly. "We live in the apartments next to the school. This is a friend's house. I'm only staying with them until my parents find an actual house to live in." I turned and walked away. And even as I walked, I could feel the bright Green eyes that belonged to the all too Cocky, arrogant, overly sex driven teenager that had no business in my life, following me up to the door.

At dinner that night, I watched as my Mom rubbed gently at her upper arm. I could tell that he had hit her again today, our Dad had. It pissed me off when he did that, almost like he thought he had the right to. His Head turned up from where he had been studying his food and looked me straight in the eyes. I was scared at that moment, to see the murder in them that I had never seemed to notice until much more recently.

"Roxas...who was that dropping you off by the house this afternoon when you got home from school?" He asked. I swallowed hard and poked at my fish with the very tips of my fork, trying not to rip it to pieces.

"It was a kid from my History class. He sits behind me and offered me a ride home."

"Really...what kind of extracurricular does this boy do?" I could tell that he was prying. Trying to gain an insight of some form to my life. To my sexuality that he was so willing to question.

"Well, he was the quarterback, but he quit football when the season ended so that he would be able to focus a little more on his grades and not have to worry about the constant practicing." I was trying to exclude the fact that he was actually planning on trying out for the spring musical; a complete secret. And the fact that he had convinced me to do the same.

"Really? Nothing else...?" This time there was a tad bit more suspicion in his voice.

"I mean, I really don't know much else about him, so ya, I guess that is it..." My voice wavered a bit at the end. The lying was eating me up inside, seeing as I had always been more of a fan of the truth and all that good nothingness. Amongst this, I was getting the strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong. Not in the sense that I was going to be sick, but something else. And maybe wrong wasn't the right word. I pushed my chair far back in a sudden movement.

"If you will excuse me, I don't feel good." I abruptly turned and left the dining room, still composed, but the second I got to the stairs I was hurling myself through the hallways and to the bathroom that was located closest to me and my brother's room. I slammed the door shut and pushed myself onto it, sliding down and to the floor where I lay in a crumpled heap for only a moment before I reached for my pocket.

Out of it, I pulled the same little locket with the black gem that always seemed to be with me. I slowly opened it and extracted the only thing that I really wanted this time. Rolling the small, glistening piece of metal in my fingers, I let tears start to fall freely onto my cheeks. The blade was so sharp that it was running in small lines on my fingers, leaving small, crisscrossing marks of red on their tips.

"I really am a nobody." I whispered. Why couldn't I just make this the end? No one cared enough to ever say anything. They never noticed when there was something truly wrong. For all they knew, we were a perfectly normal family where everyone talked to each other in a perfectly civil manner with nothing behind the words.

I heard a soft knock on the door and frantically tried to compose myself.

"Roxas...Dad says he needs you in his office...are you okay?" The voice behind the door whispered. It was Sora of course; no one else would have come. I stood to my feet and brushed myself off. I opened the door slowly and exited in a very swift manner towards my Dad's office on the first floor. I stood in front of the door.

Few people knew the horrors that went on behind this door. Me and Sora. We were the only ones to ever see it. I feared being called in. I knew what awaited me. A lecture of the words of God and a teaching on them. This much even Sora didn't know. He didn't know that what only happened to him once was more than a regular occasion for me. More frequent than I would like to admit that I let happen. My pride wouldn't let me. I pushed the wooden door open only a little and heard the hinges squeak under the pressure. I in took a sharp breath as I awaited the voice of "God".

"Come in, Roxas, and please take a seat." I moved to the large oak desk at the other end of the room. I felt like I was in an interrogation room. The blinds were pulled closed and everything surrounding me was cloaked in a deep black shadow. The shadows that forever hunted me. The man in front of me placed a piece of paper and a pen down and told me to write. He cleared his throat and said,

"My child, remember what I say and never forget what I tell you to do. Do what I say, and you will live. Be as careful to follow my teaching as you are to protect your eyes. Keep my teaching with you all the time; write it on your heart. Treat wisdom as your sister, and insight as your closest friend. They will keep you away from other men's wives, from women with seductive words." As I wrote down the all too familiar phrase I could feel the pain and anxiety starting to sink in. I was going to let it happen again. My Father stood up and walked around to me and I turned to face him, still staying seated in the chair. He lifted my chin in is hand, brushing only my lips with his thumb and he came down to my height. I felt a sudden explosion of pain in my heart. I wanted to scream at the man whose mouth was on mine, whose hands were on my body. It was a rough kiss, not like any that you would specifically want to have. Painful, almost, but maybe that was only the hurt that I felt for the fact that this was my, Dad, my own family. I cried a little inside, never outside, when he bit harshly at my lip and I opened a little in a quiet gasp to reach air. His tongue slid in and purely put of spite, I bit it harshly. I scrambled out of the chair as he slammed backwards, holding his hand to his own lips.

"Now, I was going to let you go easily...but I suppose not anymore." I continued in my crawling, going towards to door and to safety. He grabs me though, before I can get there. I find myself pushed up against the wall, his crotch rubbing against my leg. I find this disgusting as I know what is coming. He lets his leg rub in between my legs and I have to try hard to bite back a soft moan, only to have my efforts be all in fail.

"You like this don't you FAG!" You can hear the capitalization in his voice. I wince at the word 'fag' as if it is some horrible taste in my mouth. His hand starts to find its way around my waist and to the back of my pants where he slowly slides his cold hands inside. He keeps going till his hand has made it to the front and he rubs maddeningly at the seam of my boxers.

Only now do I let myself cry. I cry because I know that this is actually turning me on, as I know it has to "him". My Dad, why am I still calling his that?, then starts the terrifying process of taking off my pants, quickly followed by my boxers, but never my shirt, never my shirt... A shiver runs up my spine at the cold air and this reaction only gets me in a worse situation as I arch my back, handing myself into his now bare body. He pushes down on my shoulders and I know what he is asking me do to. I let myself fall freely to the floor, much as I did in the bathroom earlier. My body in lying lifelessly on the floor and he too comes down and takes up the position of straddling me, his erection never leaving my own.

I know what is coming so I do it myself and press my legs as far apart as my body will willingly let them go. He presses his fingers slowly to my opening and I intake a deep breath in preparation. Moments pass where I can hardly even realize what is happening, but I am suddenly pulled back into reality when an ear ripping scream tears itself from my lungs. My eyes widen at the pain of having him inside of me and I look up to see him, staring intently at me with the same too blue eyes that I am staring at him with. There is something in them this time though; something I had lacked to notice previously. This thing, this faint emotion: Hate. Pure, raw, hatred. And then I cried harder. I cried in desperation, in fear and pain, in every emotion one could possibly be feeling in a situation as such. He starts the tradition of thrusting himself into me as harshly as one can without breaking the other and I continue to let tears come out of my eyes in what is almost buckets. His motions cease and I can take a breath. He stands and without saying a word, leaves me in his office, still leaning on the wall.

Still crying.

* * *

Wow….so…kind of late…like…really late! But we got a new computer, which is good, but it doesn't have Word…which is why this took so long…

Please R&R. This should go without saying, but it really does help me make them better when I know what people are hoping to see.


	3. Midnight Coward

It isn't so much the feeling of helplessness that leaves you feeling sorry as much as it is the feeling of regret. I should know. Waking up to an empty feeling in the pit of your stomach is not supposed to be normal, and yet it feels so familiar. As if this I but an everyday event. I am starting to think it is. The pulsating, rhythmic beating in my body that passes all the way from my skull to the tips of my toes and shakes my soul, sending tremors through my spine. This is regret. This is all I am left with now.

The floor board creek underneath me as do my limbs as I try to set myself upright. Shocking pain makes its round through me at the first signal of movement and I can't help but let out a gasp in response. Looking to my left, I see that the door to the study has been left open but a crack, enough that you would expect someone to see my barely sleeping body on the floor. But of course, that would be wishful thinking on my part.

I manage to make my way to the top of the stairs before I am nearly overcome with my own body's fatigue, but I continue on my way to my bedroom, now holding onto the walls and panting against it to try and keep my balance. The door to my bedroom has been left open so I don't have to fumble about in a, probably failed, attempt to open it without waking my brother up. The digital clock next to our bed reads six forty nine, still dark and eleven minutes till our alarm was set to go off, signaling our time to wake for school.

I sigh in discontent. I had been hoping that I would be about to at least get another hour or two of sleep, but I seemed that was not going to happen.

I shuffled over to my dresser, located just beside my brother's. Today, seeing the physically miserable condition that I would most likely be in all day, I opted for a pair of black jeans and a white t shirt, accompanied by my favorite black sweatshirt.

I gathered these things, as well as a pair of boxers and made my way to the bathroom on the third floor. I could have used the one in our room but I honestly didn't want to wake anyone, i.e. my brother, only to be murdered minutes later.

Within seconds, there was steam surrounding me as I waited for the mirror to fog over, as I didn't really want to see myself in my current physical state. I was probably far from beautiful right now. I let the scorching hot water burn in red hot tracks down my skin. The calming feeling that a hot shower always gave soon followed the semi painful burn. As I rinsed myself clean, I couldn't help but allow for the self-destructive thoughts to creep into my mind.

My father, I'm almost positive, wanted to believe what he was doing was justified. By who? God of course. And yet, I still didn't believe that he bought into that as much as he would have you believe he did. That he is at least somewhat aware of the over glorification of the so called "holy being" or "maker", if you will please. Of course, my situation is extreme and all together quite absurd, so we can pretend like God is not a part of this, even if that is a complete lie on the spectrum of importance. Though I DO value my feeble life, so I don't make it a habit to question what my father says to his face.

The bath rug under my feet was becoming soaked where they touched and I breathed in the foggy air around me as I dried my sore body off with what I believe to be an overly fluffy towel for any occasion. And as my thoughts narrowed around this single subject, I heard a soft, barely audible voice from the other side of the door.

"Roxas?" It said, questioning my presence, and if not that then maybe my consciousness. I flung the door to the side and stared my brother directly in the eyes, that is, until he noticed my lack of clothes and quickly covered his face, a look of pure terror crossing his boyish features.

"Please, put pants on before you open doors!" I frowned.

"Sora…it's a penis. You have one too, unless, correct me if I am wrong, you are actually straight. Which really wouldn't surprise me much to be honest. I mean, you did dress like a princess for Halloween one time. Either way."

"I have a penis Roxas!" He screamed loudly. I laughed in return, letting it ring clearly through the door way. "Those are mighty big words for a person who is still afraid to change in the boys' dressing room or lockers at recitals and games." I stopped laughing and looked at my brother angrily. I saw a sly, taunting grin forming underneath his hands, yet he still didn't pull them away. I pouted now in a failed attempt to glare.

"That is COMPLETELY different!" I screamed back at him. "I am simply self-conscious of other male characters seeing me in the nude!"

"It's really not…" I prepared to Bitchslap him viciously. "I mean…it isn't exactly normal for a teenage boy to be afraid of other guys seeing him naked…" Bitchslap to commence in ten, nine, eight…

"It also isn't normal for a guy to be afraid of another guy seeing him naked!" I slammed the door in his face and stuck my tongue out at it childishly. I am still a child after all…all that. A shiver was interrupted by Sora's voice.

"I just said that! Whatevs…just…be ready in thirty, kay?" I heard him but did not acknowledge his presence. It wasn't worth my time. I was fighting with myself over the matter at hand. The matter: why WAS I afraid? Though ignorance kept me from seeing the truth written on myself in plain letters. Because the truth was scary. The truth is that there must be a word for fear of sex and sexuality, because I have it bad.

Why was I here? No, I knew why I was here. I just wanted to know what obvious lapse in intellectual dominance had led me to believe that this was in any way, shape, or form a good idea! Next thing I know, the answer is staring me straight in the face… and the answers name is Axel Grogan. Of course, I had just found out that was his last name today in class, and I made a sort of smirk every time I heard or said it, simply for my own pleasure.

"You ready for this?" He asked me, the concern in his voice quite evident. He leaned towards me in his seat. Frankly, it was too close for my comfort and I tried my best to scoot to my left, but alas, the arm rest didn't want that to happen.

I sighed and opened my mouth to answer, but before I could get the words out, a different voice came blasting out of the speakers.

"Mr. Roxassss! You best be getting your ass up on this stage in the next minute or I'm going onto the next person on this list!" I jumped at the booming voice that sounded so similar to Jack Black's. I rose from my seat, being careful to maneuver my body around the lanky redheads and to not touch him. Wow, I was already treating him like he was a walking disease. Quite the step up he was making from simply being a nosey jack ass.

I jumped up onto the stage and the second I was up there, another voice, this one different from the last, but still a man's voice, spoke.

"My god! You are seriously short!" It said, not quite to me…more like at me. This voice was from a bald man sitting to the far left and the voice that I had heard earlier was sitting in the middle. I came to this assumption only on the basis that he was the only other male at the table. To his right there was a woman with brown hair.

"No one cares if he is short if he can sing and dance. Now, my name is Mr. Schaub." The man in the middle said, pointing to himself. "You are Roxassss." He pointed to me. I rolled my eyes back. Well of course I am Roxas you Fucking Moron! "Nonono! No. No. Nonono. You listen, not roll eyes. It says you have 10 years of ballet, tap and jazz training on your information sheet. Is this correct?" He said, this time a tad bit more serious than he had been previously. I didn't say anything. I wasn't sure if I was trying to make a point and not talk since he told me not to, or if I was simple too afraid to speak.

The large man waived his hands somewhat frantically around his head. "What are you! Mute! Whatever…." He looked back down at his papers and back up at me. I pursed my lips together tightly at the lazy glance he was giving me. It was unnerving. "Okay…whatever. Sing fifteen bars and we'll know. And…go." He pointed a finger in my direction with all the gusto that I guessed the man could manage which, mind me, was quite a bit. I took in a deep breath, trying to tell myself that I would be proud when all of this was done and I had gotten into the play.

I was surprised when I found that my audition went almost perfectly, save the beginning where I somehow managed to make the worst first impression on the man who I suspected was the director. I was now sitting in the school parking lot in Axel's car, who had also done surprisingly well in his audition. He had offered to drive me home afterwards, which I was in no mood to turn down, seeing as it was getting dark and I didn't want my dad to get mad if I was late coming home. God knows I didn't need that man getting mad at me.

As the car started and we pulled away from the brick and metal building, I turned to face the red head. "So, who exactly were those people watching us?" I asked. This question had been practically taunting me the entire time, which was a ridiculous thought, seeing as it was a simple question. Axel laughed and shook his long spikes as he drove.

"Well, um…how to explain that group of people… you met Schaub, he is the Drama teacher. And trust me, you are NOT alone in thinking that he looks and acts exactly like Jack Black. Even the principal agrees with you on that matter. He is also mildly crazy. The girl is Jen. She is the Chorus and Dance teacher at our school, so guess what she is going to be teaching us in the play!" I rolled my eyes at his poor idea of a joke. "Whatever…um. Now, while Schaub might be mildly crazy, Jen is like…on drugs crazy. Psychotic even. It is really, really creepy sometimes. Then, there is the other dude, Josh. He graduated from here last year and is pretty fucking amazing if I do say so myself. He is going to be teaching us the songs I think…don't know what else he COULD do for that matter. ..Probably in charge of the techies too. Oh ya, and he makes really weird faces when he conducts. Hint, they make him look like Lord Voldement!" We both faced each other at that moment. He raised his eye brows and I shook my head in disappointment.

"Honestly, you make some of the MOST outlandish statements I have heard in my entire life…" I said, somewhat trying to mock his ridiculous sense of humor, and also pointing out something that he really ought to have realized by now, but clearly hadn't.

His car pulled to a halt in front of what he believed to be a friend's house, but what I knew to be my own. Right before I exited the vehicle, his hand grabbed onto my shoulder. "Um….Well." he said. Obviously he hadn't thought through what he was going to say. "Well, the other day, you told me that you couldn't sing. I-I just wanted to tell you that isn't true at all. In fact, you have a really nice voice." With that I flung my body with all the energy I had out of the car and ran as fast as I could up the drive way, trying to keep my composure, lest a certain someone be waiting for me behind the door.

I shut it with all the gusto I could summon, threw my bags to the floor, rushing up the stairs. I didn't even consider stopping until I had the door to my bedroom closed and was leaning against it protectively. In a moment everything seemed to be speeding by me at such blindingly fast speed, I just couldn't seem to get even the slightest grip on reality.

I'm not sure exactly how long I sat on the bathroom floor waiting for my body to fall apart. Perhaps, even come unwound at the very seams that I had cut into my body. Not only were there the slowly healing cuts on my arms but there were now fresh ones littering my thigh. I let them slowly ooze out blood in what was a way that I considered an entrancing fashion. Maybe I could bleed out all of the horrible things that I had let into my body. The foreign body that I had let touch my own for far too long now. But then again, wouldn't I just go and let him touch me once again? Yes, I would. I would let this painful cycle continue until there was absolutely nothing left in me. Nothing left to bleed out when the moment called for it.

I looked up at the small clock sitting above the door. I read 6 fifty 2. I had eight minutes until dinner would be ready and I know for a fact my father would have a field day if I was even 10 seconds late for such an occasion. It wasn't really that he wanted us to have a nice family meal, especially seeing as we were nothing if not an ordinary family, but he wanted to assess the damage. My damage.

I stood, feeling somewhat light headed when I did so, though not as much as one would imagine. I opened the door, looking in the bathroom behind me to make sure that I hadn't left anything behind for Sora to notice. When I turned to face our bedroom, there he stood, plain as day right in front of me and the only thing that I could think of was how I was going to be late for dinner.

"Dad will be furious if he notices. Mom won't be happy either." He said this with so little sympathy in his voice that I wasn't sure what to think of his words. I ignored his words of what were probably wisdom and quickly pushed past him, bumping shoulders, and moved towards my dresser.

"I'm surprised you didn't freak out. I'm only wearing underwear after all." I said dryly. I pulled some sweat pants out of my bottom drawer and pulled them on, sighing when I looked up to find myself staring into the cerulean blue eyes of my brother. "Were you not the person that told me you wanted to forget about the past? Well, forget, and leave me to deal with my problems the way that I always have. Be what you call strong…" I turned again, this time hoping to leave his presence for the final time. Unfortunately, I am finding that the forces of nature, or to please my father, God, are no longer in my favor, and are actually quite against me. Sora grabbed me by the upper arm and grasped my hand with his other one.

"I…Didn't mean it like that Roxas…You know I didn't…"

"It's time for Dinner." I said, pulling free from him and walking out with an air of arrogance and attitude. Sora didn't know anything. He thought that he had it bad because he let our father simply lay a single hand on him one time. Maybe it was more than a single hand, but either way you looked at it, I had it far worse than he could ever imagine. He said I was strong when, in reality, I was falling apart from every angle. There was no way that I could continue to avoid it. I was falling into a black hole in which I talked in 3rd person and spoke in past tense to try to hide the fact that I wasn't sure if there was going to be a tomorrow every day when I woke up. For that matter, I didn't want a tomorrow.

I sat down at my seat and looked to my left where my mother sat. She had another bruise on her collar bone. Honestly, Sora was probably right. She would be heartbroken if she knew how much I was really falling apart. She thought that she was protecting me and my brother when all she was really doing was killing herself inside and out. She was letting her youthful beauty fall away from her even though she was only 36. She was so skinny, so blonde with lovely, Icelandic skin just like me and my brother.

I then looked to my right, to my Father, who sat with an unfazed look on his face. How could he sit there and pretend like he hadn't shoved his wife flat against a wall only a few hours before; like he wasn't going to pin his son onto the floor and have his way as soon as everyone was asleep or wasn't paying attention? How could he wear that smug smile!

I had to remind myself to breathe in between the sentences of my angry, internal rant. I was somewhat conscience of the fact that my Father had already said Grace and that we were now eating in our usual silence. Then, the silence was broken with the words of a man that I had hoped would never speak a word to me again in my life.

"So, was that boy that dropped you off today that friend of yours? Axel, you said that was his name." My stomach dropped into my feet. He knew…He must suspect something! That man won't let my brother touch my shoulder without thinking that we are going to have sex, and clearly, that is not going to happen. As I stated previously, sex isn't one of my favorite topics.

"Um…Ya. He was driving me home so that I wouldn't be late." I muttered, poking at the Tuna Steak on my plate. I could feel my entire Family's eyes on me. All of them trying to figure out if I had a relationship with this boy; all of them curious for different reasons. One in curiosity, one in fear and one in what I could only describe as wrath. The look on that mans' face made me want to run. It made me want to curl into a hole and never come out until this was all over.

I sat for the rest of Dinner, listening as my parents tried to hold conversations with each other without it ending in a fight. My brother continued to poke at his food, as did I, but he occasionally looked up at me from across the table as if to ask if I was going to be okay.

As soon as we were dismissed by my father and the house cleaner came to take our dishes, I was up and out. Sora looked at me as I opened the front door.

"Where are you going?" He asked being sure not to be too loud. I looked at him and smiled the sweetest smile that I could manage, even if I was trying to hold in the emotions that were threatening to spill out at any moment.

"It's fine. I'm just going for a walk for a little while. I'll be back before morning." Without giving him enough time to come back with a rebuttal, I slipped out into the night, looking in desperation for something to put me back together.

I honestly felt pathetic. Okay, so I had always felt pathetic, but right now I was feeling completely defeated. It was almost 11, which meant that I had been sitting on this park swing, about 3 blocks from my house, for almost 3 hours. It had only felt like 1 and yet, I knew it was more because I had practically run myself dry of tears. He hadn't even done anything! He hadn't laid a single finger on me, and here I was, completely broken. I wanted out. I wanted to run away from here and find a nice, high building to jump off of.

Here I am now. Talking about committing suicide like it is a joke of like it something I attempt every day. This can't possibly be normal.

I wiped at my cheek, feeling the moistness on it and cringing. I sniffled and coughed repeatedly. I was trying as hard as I could to get up the courage to go back home, but I just couldn't find it in myself to walk back in there, knowing my Father would want to know where I had been and most likely not allow me to go to school the following day. Although…he would probably be even angrier if I didn't come home at all until tomorrow…

While these thoughts spun through my head at an alarmingly fast rate, I noticed that another body came to lie just beside mine. I didn't even bother to look up. I saw the abnormally large feet and creepily long legs from my view of the ground. I sighed an uncharacteristically deep sigh and looked up at the moon. It was full; beautiful and glowing. It was glowing just like my mother…like I had been only a year ago.

"Are…you okay?" Axel whispered. I tried my hardest to ignore him. After all, he was only dust on my shoulder and I was only a thorn in my Father's side. Unfortunately, I was able to feel his eyes staring at me. I kept my gaze locked on the moon.

"Ya, I'm fine." I whispered back, wiping tears out from underneath my eyes. Even if I was able to cry in the privacy of a public park, I was not going to cry in front of this douche bag.

"No you're not."

"Ya…I am." I tried not to let him get a word in edgewise. There was an undeniable air of sympathy to his words. It was the same concern that he had whenever he asked me if I was okay. It made it sound like he actually cared about my answer, which I know is a complete lie. If he cared about me, then that must mean that other people cared, and they clearly disregarded everything. One of the perks of having a wealthy family.

"If you say so…" The tall redhead said, obviously not buying any of the shit I was selling, but I let it slip without even noticing. "Why are you out here?" He asked. I laughed internally. If this was his way of trying to change the subject, he was getting nowhere with any of it.

I sat for a moment though, silent, when he asked me this. Why was I out here? Was I just trying to run away from my problems? None of these answers seemed to be quite the right reason. I suppose this was another one of those situations when I absolutely refused to accept the truth, even when it was screaming in my face.

"You are really nosey, you know that right?"

"Ya." He said. Well, I'm glad to know that he is already aware of that. "But that didn't answer my question." I looked at him for the first time since he had approached me. He was still wearing the same clothes that he had been wearing earlier - a white t shirt, a black vest, and a pair of stone wash jeans- but his hair was pulled into a tightly wound bun in the back and had a pair of glasses perched on the bridge of his nose. I hated to admit it, but he didn't look nearly as douchy as usual.

I sighed deeply once again and looked back up and the glowing moon that reminded me far too much of the past.

"Well, I guess I am running away from myself…But, of course, you would never understand." I said more to myself than to anyone else. It was what I needed to hear, because it was the truth. Not really the whole truth, but it was a step in the right direction, right?

I didn't really know what response I was hoping to get, but the one I got was not it. The response I got was one that I expected to get from some overly priced psychologist that my parents had hired so that they wouldn't have to deal with me. It made me smile from heart to lung on the inside and made another tear slip down my cheek.

"Ya, maybe I don't. But I still feel bad that you have to run away from who you really are." I looked in his direction, barely averting my eyes from the sky for a second, and noticed that he was now looking at it with about as much pain of parting as I did. "Listen, Roxas. I am sorry…if I ever said the wrong thing. I was just trying to help…" With that, he stood and left, leaving me once again, all alone.

I don't know why there was a lingering sense of disappointment in my mind, but I know that it wasn't supposed to be there. I wasn't supposed to put any faith in the kind words that he said. I had been raised in such a way where I really couldn't put faith in much of anything. So, if that was true, then why did I want so desperately to believe that he really cared about me?

Once again though, I let the truth pass by my face in simple letters without even bothering to read the text.


	4. One More Night

Was listening to "bright eyes: Fevers and Mirrors" and Stars "The Five Ghosts" while writing this and I feel like the overall tone of this chapter really reflects that…I'm also not sure if this is positive or negative. (Note to self: need to stop listening to influential music while writing…)

I never saw a moor,  
I never saw the sea,  
Yet I know how the heather looks  
and what a wave must be. 

I could guess that my hands touched the front door of my house at about 1:30 in the morning. I pushed on it with only the very tips of my fingers and stuck my head inside. I looked around and let a heavy breath out when I realized that I couldn't see my father. This taken into consideration, nothing guaranteed that he wasn't somewhere else that I didn't have an immediate view of.

I let my body wander into the silent entry way by my feet, testing the ground before I took another step. Just as I was approaching the stair way, only a couple of feet from the door, I felt a hand grab onto the hood of my sweatshirt and I felt my stomach jump to my throat when I was pretty sure it should have went the other direction.

"Dad?" I asked, secretly hoping that I wouldn't get an answer. But once again I ask you reader; when have things ever gone my way? He started to pull at the hood, nearly choking me and I realized that he was trying to get me to walk without having to make too much noise.

I stumbled backwards down the hall and towards the study. I swallowed a lump that was forming in my throat and tried desperately to push my negative thoughts away.

I could feel my heart racing and my thoughts spinning and hitting walls inside of my mind. What was going to happen to me! I was going to be punished. What was I going to do? Nothing, which is what I always do. Would Axel be worried about me…?

'Was that thought really necessary!' I screamed at myself inwardly. Of course it wouldn't matter because of course, he wouldn't care anyways. He would never worry in real pain about why I wasn't at school. Sora probably wouldn't even think twice about it and we live in the same house for God's sake!

I shook my head, willing my brain to come back into present times, which it did. I noticed that I was being thrown into a wall and that there was a large, spacious gap in between me and my Dad, answering my unasked question of why I was gasping for air.

"What do you have to say for yourself; leaving the house when you aren't supposed to?" He screamed. It was a wonder that he didn't wake the entire neighborhood with the way he was speaking. It was anything but polite and far from quiet.

"I'm sorry." I said, barely above a whisper. "I just…I needed to get out of the house for a little while. I was upset." He looked at me and laughed. It wasn't really a happy laugh or something of entertainment. It was…haunting. Threatening.

It made me scared.

"You…You really can't believe that you deserve to be happy can you! Now, be a good boy and do as God asks of you, and maybe you will be gifted such luxuries." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Did he really say that I didn't deserve to be happy? I shook my head again in disbelief. He couldn't really believe that, could he! He couldn't!

"You bastard!" I screamed. Anger has arisen in me and I wasn't going to fight it down. "You've made me sit there and read the bible over and over again and never have I read that a person doesn't deserve to be happy! God would never say such a thing and you know this!" My voice cracked on the last note. It was almost like the walls were closing in on me and the floor was rising to the ceiling. Unfair and brutal were his words. I could feel the air being sucked from the room, and with it, my life was dying inside of my heart.

I wouldn't let myself cry (not that I thought I could anymore). I let my body fall onto the floor in a heap and I heard the footsteps of my father approach my crumpled form. I closed my eyes and prayed. I prayed to whatever God there may or may not be that I wouldn't die at the hands of this man. I prayed that he would, someday, see the light in me and accept me.

At that moment, I felt a leather clad foot come to connect with my side. I let a gasp of air escape my parched lips. I inhaled one just as quickly. "DAD! Please stop." I pleaded him. He rolled me over, still only touching me with his foot. My eyes were still closed tightly in fear that if I opened them, I would be met with the most unpleasant of sights.

I was doing something in between shivering and convulsing but this seemed to go unnoticed by my Father. He ran a calloused hand across my lips and around my face to my eyes. I was far too scared to talk at this point but I felt like I had to force these words out in time for the man next to me to hear them. When I finally ushered them up, they came out as a scream.

"Please Dad! I love you! Stop! Please, I love you!" The words were blurred together but I knew that he had heard them because the moment that the final 'I love you' left my mouth, his hand connected to the eye that his fingers had just been resting on.

I heard an unwelcomed cracking sound and felt the whole of my eye convulse into painful tremors. It connected again, this time landing its attack on my lips. Then, again, on my nose. I could feel the blood dripping into my mouth in warm, trickling streams. It tasted like failure. It tasted like hate. It tasted like me.

Finally, I was given the opportunity to move when my Father got up to leave. I moved onto my knees, facing the direction where the door was. I let my head rest on top of my hand. It felt too heavy to lift any higher than that.

"I hate you." I whispered after him as he closed the door. When I finally heard it click shut, I swallowed my pride and screamed.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

This was totally happening every day, wasn't it? Although, if this exact situation happened every day then I would probably be failing all of my classes for lack of showing up.

The moment that I stood up I knew that something was off in the way that my body wasn't quite sure which way was up and down. Balance was going to be problematic for today. I looked to the window where a sliver of light made its way through a crack in the curtains. I walked towards it and pull them aside, revealing a light way too bright for it to be any time before 10 o'clock.

…so I was late for school too…

I left that to its own accord and let my hand outstretch itself towards the door handle. Now is about when I realized that something was wrong. My hand was shaking in little quivers. It was more of a haunted manner than in a cold manner and it was something I could not control. Quickly, I closed the distance and flung open the door where I saw my mother sitting at the Kitchens bar reading a book whose name I didn't remember.

"Mom?" asked, somewhat worried of what her response would be. I didn't know what I looked like. Something awful, I knew that much.

She turned to face me and her face immediately went into a state of concern. I could see that she was worried, yet something held her back from approaching. If it was the time that I assumed it was, then my Father would have long ago arrived at the office and my Brother would have no reason to be home.

But then, she stood hurriedly and ran towards me, taking me into her arms and letting a hand hold my head to her chest. I know it seems ridiculous that a 16 year old boy would find absolutely any comfort in this, but I was hurt and honestly, I'll say it, I wanted my mommy. She pulled away but kept a shaky hand on either side of my face.

"Where did you GO last night!" She asked me in a loud tone. I knew she wasn't angry with me. No, this woman could never be angry with anyone, especially not her children. She was probably just upset that I didn't say anything before I left.

"I…was on a walk. I needed to get out of the ho-"

"You know your Father, Roxas. You knew it would upset him greatly and yet you still did it. Why?" This wasn't her being upset…No, she was being protective. This motherly reaction was kind of nice. I would suspect that if I were a child growing up in a normal household, this is how I would usually be scrutinized in the eyes of my family. It was a good change of pace from the usual silence.

I looked down toward my feet and pulled one side of my mouth to the side in an apologetic manner. I looked up at her through my lashes and was reminded of the moments of my childhood when I would be lightly scolded. I looked so different now, so much older and darker. My mother looked different from my angle too. So much more worn and tired.

She sighed. "I know sweetie." She took me once again into her arms. "I know just as well as you what a horrible man he has turned into. Just…please hold on…for me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't get to see your face every night before I went to sleep. You're my Roxas and so much more than anyone gives you credit for." While she hugged me and I hugged back, I was reminded of the harsh words carved so delicately into my arms. "Nobody". Didn't she understand that? No one but her cared and that surely didn't make me more than what one thought. I was the bottom of the barrel. The masochist and the perfectionist. I was passionless. I. Was. A. Nobody. Why couldn't she understand that?

"Mom…" I whispered. "Don't you have some meeting or lunch to go to? You should probably be going." I was staring directly at a clock that read 11:47. I would be in History right now with Axel and the Dip Shit…

WHY WAS I THINKING ABOUT HIM AT A TIME LIKE THIS!

I really need to start thinking about ways to calm my psyche...

My mother released me and smiled, taking my face into her hands one last time before letting it fall to her side. "Always looking out for others. I guess I should be going…" She turned and grabbed her purse, opening and closing the door in what appeared to be one swift movement, like all women do. I stood staring after her for a moment before I turned to go up the stairs.

Maybe it was the fact that my balance seemed to be completely thrown, but it seemed to take me an hour to make up to the bathroom. I wasn't exactly planning on taking a shower, but I thought that I might as well clean up a bit; run a brush through my hair, brush my teeth…look at the damage.

When I looked in the mirror, I was appalled. 'No...No way.' I thought. This wasn't possible. It was like when you see a morbidly obese person and you can't help but stare at them. It was like looking at yourself through a glass of water; distorted and discolored. I couldn't look away from the mess that had materialized in the mirror.

Was that really me? I looked so tired. I looked so broken and burnt down. I wasn't Roxas anymore. I wasn't even Sora with an X. I was beyond a nobody and a whore and everything that I had thought I was. I was used to it to an uncomfortable degree and worst of all…I was okay with it.

Well, maybe okay wasn't exactly the right choice of words. I guess I felt like I deserved it in some sick, twisted way.

I shook my head, willing the thoughts away. I grabbed a wash cloth off of the towel rack and dampened it with warm water, dabbing and rubbing gently at my face.

"I won't let it get to me." I said trying to comfort myself. I looked back at the mirror and saw that I was in much better condition than I had previously taken stock of. I smirked and cocked my head to the side in the way that a cocky bastard usually would.

Nope. Didn't work for me… Not now. Not Ever. Never ever.

I passed through the room that I shared with my brother, reminded of the other day when he refused to answer any questions I asked and made it quite clear that he didn't ever want to talk about 'that' again.

I opened the top drawer of my dresser to find only a single pair of boxers which I didn't ever remember buying, so they probably weren't mine.

"Sora…" I murmured before throwing them at the bottom bunk of our bed. I shook my head. Really was it SO hard to put YOUR underwear in YOUR drawer. It wasn't even like we shared a dresser or anything! Honestly, he could be so ridiculous sometimes. It was like he didn't even have an ounce of maturity, which you would expect from someone living in a hell like ours…although. He did decide that he was just going to forget everything, which could have been a wave of passion to just how immature he really was. Either way, immature brother or not, I needed to change clothes.

I left our bedroom, trying hard not to think about the image that I had seen looking back at me in the mirror. Instead, I focused on trying to get to the laundry room, where there were probably clean clothes waiting for me. There were piles of them everywhere…clothes, clothes and more clothes. I assumed that some of them were probably Clouds, our older brother who had moved out soon after we moved here. Little did our father know, he was living with another man.

I shuffled through the baskets and when I arrived at the bottom of the one that had been labeled with my name on the front, I slowed to an unmoving state. From there, I extracted my hands, holding in them a light, white cotton dress with scalloped edges, a tie and small lace embellishments.

It was Namine's dress; the one that she had worn on our last date.

Namine was the girl that I had dated at the last school that we had gone to. She was a beautiful girl that looked much too much like me, according to my brother. Although her being a beautiful girl meant absolutely nothing to me, as many of you have probably already figured out. I had dated her, yes, we had kissed, yes, but I never went as far as to have sex with the girl. Honestly, I don't think she wanted to, considering that she was one of the most conservative Baptist girls I had ever met in my life, which is saying a lot.

But then everything had to go and fucking ruin itself!

It was right after my Dad had first got the sneaking suspicion that I was gay. I don't know exactly what gave him the idea, but it was rather logical, if I do say so. I felt like I was wilting down from my head to my toes and every relationship, all my friends seemed to be falling away from me. I didn't quite understand what was making them back off, but it was really unsettling for someone who lived most of their life with people bowing down to their feet.

I had just arrived home from a date with Namine and I noticed immediately after opening our front door that my parents weren't home. I'm honestly not sure what gave me this wild idea, although I haven't really thought about it all that much… It was a really BAD idea too, might I just say.

I could feel my legs moving towards the living room. I was sitting on the couch and dragging her down with me. I think you can see where this is going, but like I said before, we never had sex. Big no no in my book, especially with what was going on behind the closed doors of my house.

I've decided that this is about when Sora walked in, and you can only imagine the shocked look on his face. It was like throwing a half assed rag doll off of your lap. Namine stared at me with the huge blue eyes and so did Sora, both for completely different reasons.

Sora looked like he wanted answers as to why I had Namine half-naked in our living room. Namine looked like she was going to cry.

I shook the thought away, not wanting to remember what had happened next. I clenched the dress hard in my hand and felt the soft cloth in between my grip. Her dresses had always floated away from her body in such an elegant way. Girl's bodies were always so beautifully curved in a subtle, amazing way, unlike mine. If a dress like this appeared so magical on Namine…why couldn't it be magical on me?

I stood up straight and lifted it up in front of me. It looked exactly like it had looked last time I had seen it. Flowing in just the right way, soft in all the right places.

Why the fuck did I have the intense, insurmountable urge to put the damn thing on!

Moreover, why did I still sound intelligent when I was mentally yelling at myself…? I should really stop yelling at myself all together. It's not getting me anywhere with this argument so why not just try it on. It's just a dress after all. It can't kill me…

But my Dad would if he saw me…

I licked lightly at my lips while I let my hand hover over my pants zipper. I pulled it down and let my too big pants fall limply around my ankles, shaking them off. I looked around the hallway, making sure that my mom hadn't somehow come back into the house without me hearing her. When I was sure that no body was there, I took off my shirt so that I was standing in our family's laundry room in nothing but my boxer briefs.

I could only imagine the image for someone walking in on my moment of wonder; a young boy, almost nude, standing with a dress push against his body, his skin littered in bruises. I must look like a crazy. Never the less, I dropped the white cloth over my head, letting it sink into its rightful position around my waist. I grabbed at the wide banded tie and fumbled with it behind my back before I managed to tie it into a delicate bow.

I looked down and frowned. How could I even imagine myself in such a thing? I needed a mirror….

In search of aforementioned object, I went to my bedroom and closed the door facing the glass on the back. All I can say for myself was that this is the most beautiful I had felt in a long, long time.

The silky soft cotton made me look delicate and forced my feminine features to stand out above my more masculine ones. My body looked like it had taken time to sculpt in the hands of God, not just a block created in his spare time like I had once believed.

I felt amazing in the dress. I felt like a human being. And for once, I felt like Roxas. Not Sora with an X. My own person. Me and no one else.

I turned sideways, admiring the way that it made me look like I had curves. Then, when I came across the upper half of my body, I frowned. What was I thinking? I was a boy. Boys' don't wear dresses, simple as that.

But yet, I couldn't bear to take it off.

It was this very moment when I thought those heart wrenching words to myself that I heard the doorbell ring. It broke me from my trance like state and I quickly rushed to remove the article of clothing. I managed to get it over my head before I heard it ring again.

There were very few people that it could be. It could be my brother coming home to find out why I wasn't at school. But no…Sora never forgot his key and the house was probably unlocked. It could be a neighbor that had seen me and wanted to know why a young boy was wearing a dress. No…there were trees and a fence in the way of that…

I didn't have time to think about the different people that could be asking for entrance into our house, so I grabbed a t shirt off of the dresser and threw it on, somewhat disgusted that I was still wearing the same underwear as the day before.

I ripped the door back, practically pulling it from its hinges. When I looked at the person, they stared at me with wide eyes and I stared right back at them, eyes equally as wide. Axel…was at my HOUSE!

"Um…" He said. What the fuck with the 'he said'. He hardly says shit when he is around me he is fucking stuttering so damn much! "You weren't at school and your brother seemed kind of worried so I decided to come and um… check on you…"

I continued to stare at him for a while, and yes, looking back on this, I realize that I must have seemed incredibly rude. Yet, I just couldn't seem to comprehend the situation. Of course, there wasn't much to understand. Axel might as well have been speaking French for all that my brain was picking up.

I blinked up at him, still stunned, and raised my eyebrows up slightly. "Oh…ya. You can come in….I mean, if you want." I moved away from the door so that the gangly red head could enter the pristine house. Honestly I was surprised that the boy hadn't shit his pants already with the lack of dust particles that seemed to exist in this hell. I continued walking, Axel following shortly behind until I found myself sitting on my brother's bed.

He looked at me in a curious manner. What he was staring at, and frankly, had been for a while now, I had no idea. I raised an eyebrow out of annoyance and attempted to look impatient. I guess I must not have look as threateningly evil as I had imagined in my head, because Axel soon looked away, snickering into his arm pit.

I frowned, feeling slightly, if not entirely defeated.

"What!" I demanded, slightly raising my voice to try and sound more intimidating. Even trying my best, I knew that it probably hadn't worked too well, as I had an eternal, ever failing struggle with being threatening. It was a look that just didn't work too well for me.

"Nothing…nothing." Axel said with an audible pause between the same words. Why he couldn't manage to string together a comprehendible, complex sentence was beyond me at times. "You look beat…"

Oh my God! Sentence structure!

"Oh ya…." Now look who can't make words their friend! Note to self: keep working on the whole 'not talking to yourself in your head' thing. "I guess I was really tired last night. I ended up hitting my head on the banister and passing out. At least my mom was awake. It could have been bad."

As bad as that lieeee! Honestly, I needed to think these things over in my head if I was going to say them to a guy who practically stalks me. Said stalker boy just nodded his head as if he understood what had happened. I laughed internally. He would buy anything I spit out of my mouth.

"Sounds sucky." There was a mix between amusement and concern in his voice. His eyes traveled around the room and it dawned on me that this was the first time that he had ever been in my house…or…my friend's house…according to me…but…I needed to start keeping a journal with all of these lies in it. It was starting to get a little bit confusing.

I followed his gaze with my own and soon found his eyes landing safely on a plain white item of clothing in the middle of the floor.

The Dress.

I bolted over to it, but alas, the world really is out to get me. His longer arms simply had to reach down and he had it pulled up and in front of himself. He pursed his lips.

"Roxas...is this…'friend' you are living with a girl or a boy?" I could practically hear his verbal quotation marks around the word friend. I also knew that he was just trying to mock me since I had made it quite clear the other day that I was in fact, gay and that I could only be compared to something extremely fruity, preferably of the citrus variety.

I snatched the item of clothing out of his hands and started to fold it into a neat square. "Actually, this dress belonged to my girlfriend. X…girlfriend." I said with all of the defensiveness of a turtle…pathetic really. "Had to keep up the image, you know what I mean?"

"So, you had sex with a girl even though you knew that you were gay?"

"WHAT!" I screamed at him. "N-no! I did not have SEX with her, you moron. I'm catholic, we kind of have a rule about that kind of thing." I was slightly peeved that I had just said that out loud.

"Ya, don't you also have a rule about not being gay or some shit like that?" I was a little more than slightly peeved at this statement. I would expect someone like my dad to say that, but not Axel…although…knowing him he probably only meant it as a joke, nothing more.

I shook my head to show him that his comment had not only been slightly annoying, but rather inappropriate.

"Either way. I'm fine and you have school. Please leave." When I looked to him he looked like he had just been harshly rejected by the girl of his dreams. It was kind of cute if you looked at just the right angle…no…That man…BOY was in no way, shape or form, any kind of attractive.

Either way, he stuffed his hand into his jacket pocket after giving a detached shrug. He turned on his heel, gracefully removing himself from the room. When he was gone, I looked back at the little pile of white in my hands, frowning at it.

I must really be going insane.

I pulled the bottom dresser drawer open, one which held clothes that only I would wear and placed it at the very bottom.

Just in case she ever wants it back…

I never spoke with God,  
nor visited in Heaven,  
Yet I am certain of the spot  
as if the chart were given.

Well…that was something that I hadn't seen coming…seriously, this thing doesn't actually have a plot drawing or anything…actually…ya it does, but really rough one. BUT I KNOW WHERE IT IS GOING! Already know how I'm ending it. YA, that is a ways away, but the good news is that I know how I am getting there.

Anyways, no use ranting, but I really liked this chapter and I really, really, hope that you review. IF you don't, I have no idea what you are looking for and I am totally open for suggestions of any sort, so come on guys! REVIEW! I know people are reading this!


	5. What I'm Trying to Say

hehe well...this is kind of late. really, i just need to get better at uploading things on time cause that is my only real problem here. grrr i just really need to get better with a lot of things right now (especially school stuff...uh oh) well, i hope this was worth the wait.

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I felt like drowning… honestly. That is the only thing that came to mind the next morning when I walked into the kitchen to find Sora sitting at the counter, eating some overly sugared cereal. It was a Saturday, so that meant that morning really meant something more along the lines of noon, but who cared when you were convinced you were going to start coughing up fluids any minute.

I could tell by the look that he gave me that he wasn't necessarily angry at me. He was probably just wondering where I slept since I hadn't been in our bedroom.

I didn't think he really wanted to know the answer to that…

This might have been my first assumption, but like usual, I was out classed by whatever monotheistic god there may or may not be. His eyes were downcast for a moment, like he couldn't look me in the eyes. When he looked back up, I think I finally fell to the bottom of my proverbial lake.

"We need to talk about something…" There were words unsaid in that statement that I knew never needed to be spoken. They were words I thought, as of a couple of days ago, he would never acknowledge again. Words I knew he wasn't ready to face yet.

"Sora…Please, not right no-"

"Yes, right now!" He screamed at me in a terribly high pitched voice. I thought about this for a moment. The words that he might be tasting on his tongue. Did they taste bitter tor him? Or were they old and tasteless? I hopped it was the latter. I didn't want him to taste the hate that I did when I thought about Dad.

I frowned, standing, and started back up the stairs that I was barely at the bottom of. I decided against standing once in our room, since Sora was probably going to be doing a lot of angry pacing back and forth and whipping his arms around, so sitting on his bed was probably slightly safer. God forbid the boy smacked my face!

GOD DAMMIT I AM DOING IT AGAIN!

Breathe in….breathe out…

"Where do you go at night…?" His voice abruptly brought me out of my very intense breathing exercise, which we know I am well over do for. I looked to him and knew that, against my hopes, the words were quite bitter. In fact, they probably reminded him of milk, and no one likes milk.

I took in a deep sigh, hoping that my answer would end the conversation. "Sora, forget about it. What you don't know isn't going to kill you." It might kill me, but what's new…I gave myself as an afterthought. My brother bit his lip, tasting my words and their sharp edge. I could almost feel them cutting into his skin. The words that he said next hit me as I had hit the wall the other night.

"So Dad…how many times has he…is it true?"

"I…whe…" I stuttered. "I didn't want you to worry."

"Dammit…" He whispered this like he had been hoping for a different answer. I didn't want to lie to him though when I had already done quite enough of that to last me a life time. "Roxas…"

Oh shit…

"The other day when I said those things…I told you to forget, but I didn't know that there was no way for you to forget since it is still following you. I'm so sorry."

An oddly prophetic sentence coming from my brother…

"It's fine. I'm not mad or anything. More at him than anything, so I'd rather just not talk about it with you if that's okay." I stood back up (Jesus, my legs are getting tired) and walked to the dresser. I pulled it open and started leafing through the bottom drawer. When I hit the bottom and saw the white of the dress, I slammed it closed and turned back around.

"Um…I have rehearsal this afternoon, so if mom or dad asks, say I'm tutoring someone…or something."

"Okay. Ya, sure, but Roxas-."

"I need to get dressed." My brother huffed a frustrated sigh and walked away. I looked around frantically. There was suddenly this deep feeling of falling in my body and it was scaring the shit out of me. My head was thrashing from side to side and I turned around looking for something, ANYTHING, to make this feeling go away.

I ran to the bathroom and slammed the door. I knew what was coming. Panicking, I was panicking and this is always how it starts.

Next thing I know, I am on my knees and screaming in a silent bout of terror. Pounding my fists on the floor in anger, I finally got a sound out of my throat. It was a senseless sound and with it came a cascade of tears.

I don't even know what prompted such a display of emotions. I was kneeling on the bathroom floor, pounding against it as my body was wracked with sobs and I choked for air. It felt like dying, and I didn't like it.

"_Cut." _Something in my mind said. "_You'll feel better, I promise." _

Damn it…it always seemed to end this way, didn't it? At first I didn't realize what I was doing, but I was conscience of having grabbed my locket and having taken out the razor. It was such a clichéd moment, now that I think about it. I was lost in the moment until I felt the tearing of skin.

It was a sickening sound to my ears but I welcomed it none the less. I wanted the pain there to remind me exactly how much it hurt to live my life. And then I stopped. I don't know why I did but just like there was that pressuring voice in the back of my mind there was a nagging voice there too.

"_Stop! What would your brother say? How disappointed would your mum be? Wouldn't Axel worry?"_

I shoved it away with that last name, but still, I stopped. My breathing was labored and my hands were sore from the pounding. I wasn't crying anymore, so I felt slightly better.

I stood up and when I looked up from the floor, I was locked dead onto the eyes of my reflection. They were bright red, obviously from the crying. But…I am a man, and men aren't supposed to cry, right? Of course, I'm not exactly your average high school student. No…not at all.

There was a faint ringing sound coming from the bedroom. I stumbled about for a moment in a slight haze before I caught my balance. I searched blindly for another moment until I found my phone. Pressing the talk button, I brought it to my ear.

"Helloo…" I knew my voice sounded weak and strained, but it was probably only my mom or something, calling to check up.

"Roxas? Are you okay? It's Axel."

DAMN IT! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! How the fuck did that stalker get my number?

"Who gave you my number?"

"Um..." he hesitated. "The internet."

That whore…

"I wanted to know if you want a ride to practice."

Oh… I looked at the clock to see that there was only 20 minutes until practice started and I wasn't up for being late on the first day.

I sighed. "Sure." I wasn't at all happy of the prospect of being in a car with my possibly rapist….no….took that too far. Even for someone with extreme stalkerish tendencies.

"Okay! Awesome. Well, I'll be there to pick you up in about 10 minutes, so don't be late!" He hung up without waiting for a good bye and I hung up too, shortly after.

Was I mistaken, or was he way too excited about getting to pick me up from my house?

Creep…

I didn't take too much time to think about this, seeing as I had 10 minutes to get everything I needed to get done, done.

First thing I did was look down at my arm, and dear God, I think I almost passed out. It was red and it wasn't that it was deep or anything, although yes, it was slightly deeper than it usually is. It was more so the fact that I had done it in the first place. I shook my head, slightly distraught with my actions. I wiped off the area around the cut before wrapping it gingerly in gauze. It wasn't until I had tied it off and secured the white fabric with a tape that I realized I had forgotten to put a disinfectant on it.

I sighed. It really didn't matter right now.

I scrambled to my dresser, retrieving a black, long sleeve shirt and a pair of light wash jeans because today wasn't going to be a day to dress myself up. I put the items on with all the speed a human can gather at one moment, pulling a pair of my brother's purple Ked's on. Stuffing my cell phone in my pocket, I ran down the stairs and paused at the bottom to straighten everything out. I knew that my hair hadn't been brushed and nor had my teeth, but that really didn't matter either.

A tapping sounded on the front door and I felt an unusual, frantic haze take over my body. I ran past the kitchen on my way out, being sure to grab a piece of gum from my back pack before thrusting the door open.

There, right in front of me stood Axel Grogan, freakishly long legs and all. He twirled his keys with his left index finger (I had come to find out that he was left handed). His smile was wide and I wanted to feel welcomed by it but it only served as a reminder to myself that this guy had gotten my phone number off of the internet.

"You ready?" He asked, eyes gleaming with something that I assumed to be arousal. I was laughing inwardly and I wanted to scream to him that I was not some kind of cheap prostitute and to get the fuck away from me, but then again, I kind of am a prostitute, I'm just doing it for free.

The look on his face fell slightly and I knew that I had waited too long to respond. I scoffed and looked up the stairs, wondering if I should go brush my hair, since it was kind of post sexish.

Once, again, must I think about these things!

"Sure, let's just hurry up." I said, slamming the door behind me. I wanted him to think I hated him, seeing as I had already done a pretty good job of convincing myself of that. It was a long walk to the bottom of our drive way, or rather, my friend's drive way, and the silence on the way there was undeniably awkward.

When we got into his car and I was soon buckled in, I heard the radio come on with a breathtaking arrangement of thrashing tunes and a lightly chocolate coated voice.

"It's called All My Problems, by Smile Empty Soul. Good band." Axel said, probably having sensed my wonder with his mysterious sixth "Roxas Sense". I nodded in agreement, because I all actuality, it was a really good song.

Neither of us really said anything else for the rest of the ride. Honestly, I was kind of afraid to because I had spent the entire morning screaming my head off and I wanted to save what little voice I had left for rehearsal. Instead, I listened to the music and the sound of my own breathing; how it was perfectly in sync with the person next to me, which of course is only natural.

Still there was something in the perfect synchronization that seemed like I was born to be sitting in this car with one of the biggest creepers in history. I looked at him.

"You know, you come across as a really big creeper sometimes…" I stated like a fact. From my point of view it was, but I really wasn't all too sure that he knew. The corner of his mouth turned up and he laughed a light, airy laugh that made something inside me turnabout.

I was blushing and I knew it….

"Ya, so I've been told. But I really couldn't care less. I mean, if someone can't deal with my stalkerishness, then they can't be around me. So far it really hasn't stopped anyone that I know of. Really, I wouldn't be so amazingly popular if it did bother people!"

….That cocky bastard!

"You don't think I am a creeper, do you?" He asked, finishing off his sentence. I thought about this for a moment, but decided that my personal view of him was better kept to myself, lest I lose my ride to school.

Instead, I shook my head in disagreement and knew that he had seen me when his smirk grew into an ever more provocative smile.

The car came to a shocking halt in a parking space in the back lot. Why we were here instead of the main one made no sense since I was pretty sure the auditorium was on the other side of the school.

"What are we doing?" I asked earnestly. He just looked at me like the arrogant bastard he is and pushed down on the parking brake. His door opened and I did the same with mine, following him to a door on the side of the C building.

I watched his long, elegant fingers slide his car keys into his back pocket and then reach to pull the mysterious door open.

The room behind it was painted completely black and there were sound panels on the walls and a curtain covering one that I suspected housed windows. Even with the lack of natural light, the room was still lively. There were about 20 students milling around with joy written all over their bodies and faces and I knew that I was going to stick out like a sore thumb.

Axel grabbed my elbow and I felt a shocking jolt go through my arm.

It hurt like fuck and made me want to slap a bitch.

There was a sudden, rumbling voice that shook the room and I looked to see the man named Josh in the doorway. It was almost as if a switch went off and all of the teenagers were on the floor, sitting in a circle.

One group of girls huddled together, obviously cold or just really touchy feely. Two boys laid on the floor, one on top of the other in one the most intimate ways I had ever seen two men lay. There was a red headed boy who sat between two girls and repeatedly slapped one with his lanyard, the other one smacking him back playfully.

It was like I had joined some circus act of crazies. I sat though, right beside Axel because as much as I hated him, I was not ashamed to admit that the other drama geeks scared me even more. There was a small, mind you SMALL, part of me that wanted to cling to him in desperation, but as predetermined, that wasn't going to happen. Instead, I settled with tucking inside myself, awaiting the moment we would be given instructions to begin.

"So, how about we start with physically, mentally, and emotionally." Josh said, having taken a seat in the circle next to the boys that looked to be having an orgy. He continued. "Physically….Tired and Cold. Mentally…tired. Emotionally…cold." With that, everyone in the room started to laugh into their hands. I wasn't really sure what was so funny about it, but that fact that I was the only one made me feel like the odd one out.

The circle continued, every person stating their emotions, wrapped in verbs and adjectives that really weren't worth saying. One boy said he was mentally "girls" and by the repeat of "really" and "again", I guessed he said that often.

Honestly, it was quite annoying and a horrible representation of the male phyci.

"Physically, effervescent, emotionally…poop and mentally…boys, cause they are sooo much better than girls." With this, every person in the room erupted into ear splitting laughter. While I had been prepared to slap someone earlier, I was more than ready now. I mean, really! How immature could that boy be! Apparently extremely, but everyone was laughing so they were just as immature as he was. Maybe I was just being overly judgmental…

Why was everyone being so quiet?

I looked around the room to see every pair of eyes locked with me. Judging by the silence and overload of attention, they were probably waiting for me to say something.

I thought for a moment, running through the thoughts and emotions in my head until I came to a frightening realization: I had no idea what I was feeling at that moment. It was almost as if my entire body was numb of any feeling or emotion. I searched for words, desperately trying to cling to some tangible thought, scared half to death that I didn't have any.

Suddenly, there was a hand on my shoulder.

"You can pass." He whispered. The look on his face was almost worrisome. It was so genuine and caring; one might think the perv was actually capable of feeling compassion. With these words on my heart, I curled up, bringing my legs even closer to my chest, hugging them close with my arms.

I just wasn't ready to feel…not yet.

I never thought that I would openly admit this, but Axel's car is really comfortable. At least, it seemed that way at the moment.

My feet were hurting and I don't think I have ever been this hungry in my life. I heard him turn on the ignition and his body hit the head rest as he slumped backwards. He heaved a sigh that blew several stray hairs from his face.

"That…was exhausting." I could hear the sleep withering in his voice and it made me laugh a light, half assed laugh when I realized the dual meaning to his statement. He looked at me and I looked at him, my eyes almost smiling while his gleamed with self-satisfaction.

"You know…practice." He was struggling to get the words out with laughter threatening to spill out of his lips. I gave him a smirk and rolled my eyes. There was a moment when I thought about slapping him, since this seemed like a great time to do so, but I only turned back to the windshield.

"Just drive." I said, leaving it at that, eager to get home before my Dad got suspicious. I looked out the window solemnly as the red head beside me proceeded to do as I suggested. I smiled to myself when I thought of the awkward situation that I was currently in.

Not only was I sitting in a car with a guy that was practically my own personal stalker, no. I was sitting in a car with a potential stalker and I really didn't mind all too much.

I felt my body lurch to a sudden stop and a huff sounded from beside me.

"Wow, almost missed it there didn't I?" I shook my head and grabbed for the bags near my feet, pulling them into my lap. I reached for the car door, pushing it open with little effort and before I could step out, there was a hand gently holding onto my wrist.

I looked back into the green eyes of the driver. There was sincerity in them and love on his lips when he smiled at me.

"Take care of yourself…" His voice trailed off at the end and I found myself to continue staring, watching while he caressed me with his eyes. They trailed down my chest and over the rotting flesh of my heart and back to my face where they sat, content with where they had ended up. They green of his eyes wound itself into the blue of my own and the colors almost melted into one another as if by magic. Then, as if by a whip, I was forced back into reality. I yanked my arm from his grasp and hit the ground running. My feet pounded up the cement drive way and I ran, fast as I could to the front door.

I threw my things to the floor and sprinted, faster now, to my bedroom and slammed the bathroom door shut behind me. I was relieved to see that my brother wasn't there because what I did next would have worried him more than it worried me.

Never in my life had I ever seen a need for something like this. I had been hurriedly thrown into the stage of life I was currently in and had little time to really think about what that was going to mean for my future. What it meant was that I had never before in my life had an actual sexual attraction to anyone. That is to say, I had never really 'gotten it up' for anyone. But here I was, with my hand down my pants and biting my lip and the only thing I could think about was that god damn, cocky, arrogant, overly sex driven teenager that had no business in my life.

Axel sat, watching as the petite blonde boy ran from him as fast as he could. His head turned to face the windshield with awesome slowness and his face quickly fell to a frown, dropping heavily onto the steering wheel. A loud, long honking sound blew itself from the bowels of the car and his red hair floated carefully onto the curves of the lanky boy's shoulders.

"So stupid…"

* * *

Okay this was quite a bit shorter than i would have liked for it to be, but there is really nothing i can do about that.

please review. i dont mean to sound redundant, but it really does make a difference when i know what you guys are thinking.

thank for reading!


	6. Like I'm Made of Glass

I feel stupid now for doing what I did. It was a rash decision, yes but at the same time…why did I make it? Never before had it occurred to me that one could feel actual compassion for another human being, though that may just be because of my upbringing and what not. Still, I felt stupid and what was this other feeling….immature maybe?

I heard a creak and my head shot up, feeling heavy as it moved. My brother stuck his head in, smiling at me in an almost sickeningly sweet way. His face fell though when he saw me. I realize how awful I must have looked. My eyes were bloodshot and my skin was pale from not having slept last night. His body made its way towards mine and sat itself on the opposite end of the bed, making the mattress sink on his end.

I knew he wasn't going to come any closer. I knew what he was thinking and it went something along the lines of sex. I cringed inwardly. No, this had nothing to do with that, but yet, it had everything to do with it.

"You okay?" He whispered with caution. At that moment, I almost screamed defeat. I almost told him that I wasn't.

"Ya…just kind of confused." My words were polite and carefully chosen with little to read into. I suppose I did kind of mean what I said though. If you think about it, confusion was really the root of all of my problems and frustration. Then again…

Was I really confused as to why I was hiding a dress in the bottom of my dresser?

Ya I am talking to myself again….

Damn it…

"Sora…" I found myself saying his name. "Why do I feel like such a horrible person?"

I looked over to my brother and his face said it all. There was shock slapped across it like someone had taken a paintbrush to his skin. I knew what he wanted to say. I knew that his response was nothing more than an automatic reaction to such a remark.

"Roxas, you are NOT a bad person."

"Don't you think I know that?" I raised my voice several levels and stood, facing him with one of the angriest looks I think I had ever worn on my face. I sighed. "But still…I doubt I would feel so guilty if I really hadn't done anything."

"Well, just tell me what you did."

"I can't…"

"Why the hell not!"

"Cause you are gonna freak out if I do!"

"Roxas I can promise that I won't-"

"I touched myself!" I screamed in defeat. I felt warm breath brush past my lips and I slammed my butt hard onto the bed. My fingers got slightly caught in my rats nest hair as I pulled them through with force. I frowned as I waited for Sora to say something.

"Roxas, you're a guy. Guys do that, it's not a big deal." I was surprised with how calm his voice sounded. It was almost like he didn't even care that I had just screamed at him from the top of my lungs that I had actually masturbated for the first time in my life.

I shook my head.

"But guys aren't supposed to think about other guys when they do it…"

"Really now?" I rolled my eyes deep into the back of my head.

"Sora, it's a sin. Not right. Wrong. We aren't supposed to think about stuff like that." There was a light laughing and I wasn't sure where it was coming from. It sounded like Sora, but usually he wouldn't sound so haunted like he did at that moment. It stopped and my brother's voice chimed in.

"You know, sometimes I feel like you forget that we are in the same boat. And anyways, it never says that you can't love another man. Don't worry about it, okay? Whoever the guy is, I'm sure he would feel really lucky to have you."

I think that is when he left. I'm not all too sure since that was about the time when I slipped off into my dream world.

Sora was right after all. All the bible ever said was "thou shalt not lie with another man as he would with a woman". Those words condemned nothing since, physiologically, a man can't lie with a man as he would with a woman, but if it was that simple then I doubt there would be so much controversy. God was supposed to love me either way though, right? He was the only one with the ability to decide where I went and if he really loved me, he would want me to be happy and be with the person that I loved. He was supposed to take care of me, keep me from harm, not let me fall into the hands of torture, especially not when that person was supposed to be his messenger. God still loved me…

Right…?

I could feel him watching me and God, it was creeping me out. It was like he was undressing me with his eyes or something! I don't enjoy being undressed mentally! Quickly averting my gaze from the board, I looked to my desk, flicking my pencil across my paper and watching as it rolled back to me with painstaking slowness.

Really, I was about ready to stand up and flip that red heads desk over on him! But, of course, I am too nice for that and would never actually do that.

Or would I?

No, I don't make it a habit of mine to hurt other people if I can help it. Even with those thoughts in my mind, I wasn't quite ready for lunch to come. There was a girl, Xion her name was, who had asked me to sit with her today. I had kindly obliged but I couldn't shake the feeling that she had a thing for me. And mind you, 'things' never turn out well for me.

I grabbed quickly for my pencil as it rolled half way off my desk. I could hear Demyx snicker from beside me but I chose to ignore it, rolling my eyes instead. Knowing him, this probably annoyed him greatly. I glanced to the clock above the teacher's board and sighed in relief.

It was 12:20. The bell would ring any moment and I would be released from this creepers gaze and into that of a less creeperish girl.

I heard the bell ring overhead and the students around me moving to back their things away. I didn't even bother to put mine in my bags though. I simply brushed them into my arms and ran to the commons, leaving a dumbfounded dumbass in my wake.

"So, who do you have for APES? Hite right?" The raven haired girl beside me questioned. I been at the table with her for all of ten minutes and I was already about ready to leave.

This only served as a reminder to why I could never date a girl. They talk and talk and talk. Then again, so does my brother, but as stated previously, due to his penile embarrassment, I often question his gender.

"Ya, she is kind of crazy. I mean, didn't she-"

"Axel! Over here!" Xion screamed, interrupting me mid-sentence. I looked to where her voice was directed to see the person that I least wanted to see at that moment. I mean, if I thought Xion could talk, imagine those two together!

Someone kill me.

I could feel the bile in my stomach rising when he sat beside me, suddenly remembering what I had done not too long ago. I swear I almost face planted onto the table when I thought of it, but I somehow managed to keep my involuntary movements in check, counteracting everything that involuntary means.

"Hey Roxy."

…I am going to have a bruise on my forehead for the next month….

I picked my face up and glared at the face of Axel Grogan, summoning demons from the depths of hell to kill him with my very chi.

When I say these things in my head it makes me not only feel sexually frustrated, but religiously as well.

"Wow…what's with the face?"

"How about I shove your face into the table and then ask you that question!" I screamed, storming away angrily. I realize now that doing shit like that makes one look really immature, but really, who could blame me? That guy is a douche!

Even if he didn't really do anything…

Isn't talking to yourself a sign that there is something wrong with you?

I pushed open the bathroom door forcefully, storming in and thanking god that the arts wing had a single stall bathroom. I looked briefly in the mirror before slouching down onto the floor next to the door. I felt over my face with my hands, rubbing my forehead and the bridge of my nose with great force.

Why did he have to be that way? Why did that boy have to be so damn annoying and flirtatious and condescending and perfect and rude and so…so…sexy?

Why the hell would he come after me…? And why the fuck would I let him?

I heard a soft knock on the door followed by another and another.

"Someone's in here!" I yelled at the person on the other side. They were quite for a moment, but when they spoke, I swear I almost died inside.

"Roxy?" It said. "You in there?" I felt my head splash backwards and crash into the tiled wall of the school bathroom.

"Go the FUCK away Axel."

Honestly, words can't express the utter distress that I felt at that moment, but for some reason, there was an invisible string keeping me tacked to that spot on the floor. My hands dropped from my face and I could feel the cold texture of the tile below me. So many impurities and flaws in its surface…just like me. There was a slight jiggling sound from beside me.

"Roxy, please I'm sorry just open the door se we can talk."

"No!" I screamed in frustration once again.

I could hear his head hit the door and could feel the vibrations through the wall.

"Please, Roxy…I just want to talk about it."

I sighed deeply. I could just about taste the regret in his voice and the disappointment in his own actions. I knew that he didn't mean what he had said before, that he was just be his usual, douche bag self and that there was absolutely no way that I was going to be able to do anything about that.

I reached up and flipped the metal deadbolt beside the handle. The door opened slightly, only about a foot, and a pair of grey skinny jeans and Keds slipped inside.

Axel folded his legs up in front of himself, sitting beside me on the floor with an uncomfortably small amount of room between the two of us. The only real difference between our two positions was that while I leaned back, he slouched forward, having to bend and contort to simply fit in the small space.

"You know, I don't mean those things that I say…" His voice was apologetic and somewhat hurt. I watched as the red heads lanky arms moved to grab a rectangular box from his back pocket and then pulling a lighter from the front. I scowled in disgust at him as he lit a cigarette, but I really don't think that he noticed.

I sighed.

"Ya, I know. It's just that…it's just that it is hard to know that people basically throw themselves at you."

Axel looked to me, pulling his cigarette out of his lips and placing it back after he spoke. "What's so hard about it?" He asked me with sincerity. I bit my lip. I didn't want to say this; I really didn't want to tell him why everything he did hurt so much. I didn't want to say it because if I did, it had to be true. But really, was accepting the truth so bad?

"It hurts…" I hesitated for a moment. "It hurts because…I want to be the only one that gets to throw themselves at you like that. I want you to love me too."

He didn't say anything back, and trust me, when Axel isn't talking, something is wrong. So I looked at him, at his shocked and confused face. He was just sitting there sucking on his god damned cigarette and it was driving me insane.

Slowly, he moved his head to my direction, his long, red pony tail brushing past the wall. I watched as his hand pulled away from his face, pulling his cigarette away with it. I could sense the tension in his chest as he held in the menthol flavored smoke. With only a moment's notice, he was slowly, carefully drawing closer to my face.

His lips parted gently and small wisps of smoke flew from between them towards my face. I found myself meeting him half way with open lips like his own. I could feel him breathing smoke into my mouth and his tongue tasting it beside my own.

When he pulled away from me, I immediately felt somewhat shammed. I frowned, looking downward and I noticed how he frowned at my response.

"Bitch…" I whispered. I stood swiftly and he pulled far away from me as to avoid getting hit. I walked to the other side of the cramped space.

"You, know, you didn't have to go and kiss me like that just to make fun of me." I stared intensely at the wall. "You didn't have to be so mean about it…"

I could hear Axel as he too stood and walked over to me. I didn't want him to see me cry. I didn't want him to laugh at me any more with his friends than he probably already did. He had friends…he was the cool kid…at this school I was nothing more than an attractive boy with a nice car.

"Roxas…." Axel said as sexy as ever, placing a hand on my upper arm. I could hear a singeing sound as his cigarette hit the tile floor. "You really don't get it do you? Roxy…I kissed you because I wanted to. I kissed you because I had been waiting for that moment since the day I met you."

Suddenly, my heart rate sped up. I felt trapped in the small corner of the bathroom and I wanted to get out and run away and cut away the feelings that I was feeling at that moment. And then, just like I had predicted, I started to cry. I let a tear drop from my eye and the next thing I know there is not stopping them.

I dropped my head, sniffling and reaching up to wipe the salt water from my skin. I knew I was being turned around, but yet wasn't really too aware of the hands doing it. I buried my face in the soft cotton of Axel's shirt, soaking the fabric and the skin underneath it. A large hand ran over my hair, twisting the soft waves in its fingers.

"I'm sorry…I promise I wasn't trying to make you cry." I pulled away, wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my jacket. I shook my head side to side before speaking.

"No, it's not your fault. I'm just kind of confused right now." I sniffled some and looked up at the taller boys beautiful green eyes.

"That's a really nasty habit by the way, smoking." Axel laughed a tinkling, chiming laugh and looked at me with a half-smile. He walked away from me, pulling open the door and looking back at me just before walking out.

"Take off that jacket." He said. "And we'll see who has a nasty habit." I watched him as he walked away, my mouth open and dumbfounded.

I didn't even know what to say. He knew, he knew but yet he had still kissed me. It didn't make any sense. The only reason it would make any sense was if he knew everything…

And that would be my worst nightmare.

"Wow…Mistoffelees. You know, I do believe I called that one a couple weeks ago." I looked to the boy standing next to me and rolled my eyes at him.

"Ya, well Rum Tum Tuggar seems to fit the man whore perfectly." Axel laughed at me, louder that he had laughed earlier as he was leaving the bathroom, but it was still the same, beautiful laugh as always, like he took no offence to being called a whore.

Said boy draped a long arm around my shoulder and brought me closer to him.

"I didn't know you had cared to notice! Thanks Roxy." I scowled at the pet name but said nothing as to not ruin his moment of happiness. Still, I looked up at him and he looked at me just in time to see the light pink tip of my tongue sticking out of my mouth.

"Aw, I feel loved, but we've got to get to check in or Schaub is gonna kill someone, namely me." Swiftly, I was drawn from staring at the wall to walking down the arts wing towards the drama room. Upon walking in, we were met with several non-concerned stares from other students and a rather peeved one from Josh.

"Well look who decided to join us. Come on, we were just about to dispatch and start working. Why don't you two do your check in's and we can start working." I moved forward, following Axel and sitting with him on one side and a girl with a pink Mohawk on the other.

I took in a deep breath, reminding myself that I was now part of a circus side show; A circus sideshow where everyone shares their emotions and hugs and cuddles more than anyone else in the entire world, especially me.

Honestly, I don't even think I fully remember what it really means to feel emotions. What it means to be happy or sad or angry…For the past few years I've just been…empty. I haven't wanted to feel anything because that would mean feeling everything that the horrible man who dares to call himself my father inflicts upon me.

It's just too much for me.

I took in a deep breath as I felt dozens of eyes looking at me in expectation.

"Pass…." I whispered. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to come up with any words, but at the same time, I wasn't.

Axel subtly wrapped a hand around and rubbed gently at my back, making an attempt to calm what was clearly nerves settling in my stomach. My eyes fell to the floor and I bit my lip in frustration with myself that I couldn't even speak up in a moment where it was clear that no one was going to judge me.

"Well…"Josh said, pausing afterwards. "How about Tech comes with me and Jen and Schaub will take the rest of you.

I watched as all of the other students left, leaving about 36 out of 50 of us behind. Teenagers separated themselves into their rightful cliques none of which I belonged to and all of which begged Axel to come and talk to them. Yet, every time they did so, he would refuse, choosing to sit by me instead. It was almost as if he could tell that this entire situation freaked me out for several reasons:

I hadn't danced in years.

My Dad was going to kill me when he found out.

I had no idea how much Axel knew.

I had this question answered rather quickly though. The red head looked at me through the corner of his eyes and whispered.

"About earlier… I realize what I said probably bothered you and…I just wanted to let you know that I don't know why exactly you do it, but I don't care either. You can have your bad habits and I can have mine. No more questions asked."

I'm not going to lie, it did bother me some that he didn't seem to care that much about it. I mean, I know that if he was on the verge of taking his life I would be a little more concerned.

Then again, would I really take my life?

"You done staring at your feet Pansy or am I going to have to rip 'em off your tiny little legs?" I short up at the sound of a deep, male voice behind me. I spun around, coming to meet the comical grin of Mr. Schaub as he started laughing hysterically.

"All right then, all of you! Line up, were gonna start rehearsing the opening dance." Everyone stood at that moment with blindingly fast speed, getting into some arbitrary order that I was left out of, standing on the edge next to a slight blonde girl with startlingly pale skin and slim body.

"Okay," Schaub said, moving to stand in front of us facing the mirror so that we could copy his movements. "I want everyone to separate into 4 groups of 7 and get into some sort of configuration."

I didn't know what to do. People around me were moving so quickly, getting back into the same, fine lined cliques as before and just like then, I didn't belong to any of them. All of a sudden though, the girl with the Curly white hair was pulling me towards a group of five.

This group included two girls with a green and pink Mohawk, another with the most amazing yellow eyes and red hair, a girl with bright purple hair and another with a black bun tightly wound in the back of her head.

I was the only boy and honestly, this didn't bother me in the slightest.

After everyone had done what was asked of us, we faced Schaub again who looked contently at us through the looking glass.

"Right." He said. "Now, this first dance is in an eight count, so pay close attention cause each group goes at different times."

I looked into the mirror at my reflection. Something inside me was cartwheeling and something else was tugging at my heartstrings.

Either way, I was happy.


End file.
